Next Level Self-Esteem Building

“I don’t know why I keep making bad choices. Maybe I just have low self-esteem.”

Most of us have either heard someone say that, or have said it ourselves at one point. In fact, “self-esteem” is often blamed for failures in relationships, weight issues, problems at work, and any number of life’s challenges. If your self-esteem is too high, you’re thought of as arrogant or conceited. If it’s too low, you’re considered a “wimp” or a loser. It’s almost like the story of the three bears—you want to have just the right amount of self-esteem. Not too much, not too little.

What exactly is “self-esteem?” Is it the same thing as self-image? While the terms sound similar, they are actually quite different.

Self-image is your mental picture of yourself. Self-image involves both things that are observable by others (like your height, weight, gender, et cetera) and also things that a person has learned through judgments of others. “Am I skinny?” “Am I attractive?” So, when a person says, “I’m ugly,” that’s a self-image issue, not a self-esteem issue. It’s about a judgment that you’ve internalized about yourself based on what someone else thinks of you. And, more often than not, that self-image is pretty hard to change.

Self-esteem, on the other hand, does change. It can change many times over the course of a day. Surely you’ve experienced this. You’re going along feeling great and then you get a notice in the mail that you forgot to pay your utility bill. Suddenly, you feel awful. You start to berate yourself. “How stupid am I? Who forgets to pay their bill? I had the money. I just forgot. What an idiot.” In other words, your self-esteem is how you feel about yourself at any given moment rather than your overall, global self-image

And, this is good news! Because if your self-esteem can go down based on the things you think about yourself, then it can go up too! The more you manage your thoughts and shift them to thinking positively about yourself, the happier you will be. Eventually, this will start to affect your self-image.

Here are three steps to building your self-esteem.

Step One: Recognize when it’s going down.

As in our example from before, pay attention to how external events make you feel. If you get a notice that you forgot to pay your utility bill, watch how that makes you feel about yourself. Notice how your mood has shifted and now your thoughts have shifted to the negative. Recognition is the first step.

Step Two: Question your negative self-talk

When your mind starts to think negative thoughts and you start mentally calling yourself names, listen. What words are you using to describe yourself? Do you use disparaging terms? Are they actually internalized judgments of others? Did your sister call you an idiot if your forgot something? In other words, don’t just accept the thoughts in your mind. Question them.

Step Three: Shift your thoughts around.

This can be challenging when you’re in the downward spiral of negative thoughts. But, if you’ve done the first two steps—recognizing and questioning your thoughts—you’re better prepared to turn them around. For every negative thought you have about yourself, for every name you call yourself, ask yourself, “What is the opposite?” So, for example, if you’ve been calling yourself an idiot, ask yourself, “What is the opposite of an idiot? That would be someone who is smart.” And then focus on qualities that you have that are the opposite of the negative thought.

Here is how it might play out. You’re going along having a great day when you get a notice that you forgot to pay your utility bill. Suddenly, you feel awful. You start to berate yourself. “How stupid am I? Who forgets to pay their bill? I had the money. I just forgot. What an idiot.” But then you remember the three steps. You think, “Wow. My self-esteem just dropped through the floor. I was fine and now I’m stressed out and in a bad mood.” Then you listen to what you’ve been telling yourself. “Why am I calling myself that? Well, my dad used to call me stupid all the time. Maybe that’s where it comes from.” Then you say, “I’m calling myself stupid and an idiot. What’s the opposite of that? Someone who is smart. What are some times when I acted smart? Well, last week, I negotiated a raise with my boss. That was pretty smart. No, I’m not stupid or an idiot. It was just an oversight and it could happen to anyone.”

By following these three steps, you can instantly transform your self-esteem from negative to positive. And, the more often you do this, the deeper the transformation will become and it will soon become part of your core self-image. This is the golden key to living a happier life.

Any Thoughts On This? 

Let me know what you think in the comments below!

About Traci Shoblom

Traci Shoblom Vujicich has been a freelance writer since 2000. She's worked with leaders and celebrities in almost every field, including Ken Blanchard, Brian Tracy, Marshall Goldsmith, David Bach and T. Harv Eker. She's also written four books and is working on another. Check her out at TheRightWriter.com

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